Allow me to introduce you to the Dartz Kombat T98. RussoBaltiques have been the car of choice for generations of Russian despots (the Tzars, Lenin, Stalin). In the proud tradition of the exploitative Soviet monarchy/socialist state/capitalist oligarchy, those of you with $1.4 million lying around can get a car with some pretty fancy upgrades generally unavailable to the whimpering proletariat you keep beneath your iron boot heel.
1. Ruby Red matte paint
2. Gold-plated bulletproof windows
3. 22″ Kremlin Red Star bulletproof wheels
4. Whale Penis Leather interior
5. Tungsten exhaust
6. Tungsten and white gold gauges with diamonds and rubies
7. White gold diamond and ruby encrusted badges – grill, side and dashboard
8. Special edition Vertu mobile phone with “alert” button
9. Additional outside kevlar coating
10. Rogue Acoustic Audio System.And, of course, of course -
THREE BOTTLES OF World Most Expensive Vodka – RussoBaltique Vodka, drink edition, same as in the RussoBaltique car when it visited Monaco at 1912.
Let’s all spend a moment on number 4. I think whaling for meat is despicable. Whaling for luxurious whale penis leather, now that’s something that I hadn’t really considered before. A few key questions come to mind:
- Are they killing the whales for this leather, or is there some sort of undersea mohel involved?
- Who pushed the whale penis leather concept forward? Was it a whaler who thought to himself, “Wow, we’ve got a lot or whale penis on board. I wonder if it would be nice on bucket seats?” Or was it a car interior designer attempting avenge himself for that one long night at Sea World?
- How many whales are required? I’m not even sure how to begin estimating the leather yield from one whale penis. It could be 4 square inches. They could be dragging 47 feet of whale foreskin through the ocean depths.
- How luxurious is it? If we’re going to further deplete the whale supply for this, it better be pretty freakin nice.
So there you go. Russia has once again shown us the way to a much more ridiculous future.
The French brought us their live action Pac Man the other day. It was a fun filled romp through the golf course and grocery store ending in a dog pile and stern talking to from security. The Russian edition ends in murder and body disposal in a river. Moscow is a tough town.
There are so many things I like about this article: the poor translation, the flagrant disregard for environmental impact, and that you know in the first year or two some guy kept trying to figure out where he could get a big enough bucket of water. Good stuff.
Darvaz: The Door to Hell
