www.youtube.com/watch?v=KK34q5zDZG8

On second thought, let’s go with this guy.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMgyi57s-A4

Clorox offers $5K to wipe out SF ‘toilet torcher’
SAN FRANCISCO – The Clorox Company is offering a $5,000 reward and a year’s supply of toilet cleaning products for tips leading to the arrest of San Francisco‘s notorious portable potty pyromaniac. [read full story]

Clorox thinks this is simple arson. Well, I got the tinfoil hat out and have developed an alternate theory.  I’m concerned that there is some poor construction worker out there with exothermically reactive poop.  He’s forced to wander the earth (like Cane from Kung Fu or David Banner) from construction site to construction site until nature unleashes its horrific call torching yet another port-a-potty.

Hazmat teams should be deployed immediately to locate this sad individual and attempt to harness his less than heroic super power for good.

Update: It’s all coming together.  I wonder if she’s had any construction workers lingering around her pipes….

Colorado woman with flammable water fears blast
FORT LUPTON, Colo. – A woman said she lives in constant fear and is terrified her home could blow up …Amee Ellsworth can turn on a faucet in her kitchen or bathroom, flick a lighter and watch flames shoot up from the sink. And Ellsworth said she’s afraid she or her neighbors are at imminent risk of an explosion. [read full story]

Man caught entering Spain with cocaine leg cast
MADRID (Reuters) – A 66-year-old passenger who arrived at Barcelona airport in a wheelchair and with a leg cast made entirely of cocaine was arrested on Friday as he tried to get through customs. [full story]

They also caught:

• The guy the marijuana hat
• The lady with the heroin prosthetic limb
• And the man with the pacemaker made entirely of exotic birds

Majority Of World’s Spam Email Originates From Tiny Nation Of Koy4goff

Woman’s life in danger after chimp attack  [full story]

Allow me to pull some of the more disturbing quotes for your perusal.

• “Travis (the monkey)… used a key to escape.”  - Holy crap! They’re learning to use tools.  Damn you and your opposable monkey thumbs.
• “She then called 911 before stabbing the chimp with butcher knife and hitting him with a shovel.” – Crazy lady, butcher knives and shovels are only going to make him angry!
• “police later shot the chimp multiple times after he attacked an officer inside a police cruiser” – He used a coat hanger to get in.
• “Travis returned to the house, where police later found him dead” – This is after being stabbed, shovel pummeled, and shot several times.  He’s the chimp version of 50 Cent.
• “In 2005, a different chimp escaped from California’s Animal Haven Ranch and chewed off a man’s nose and genitals.” – That’s it. I am officially in favor of clear cutting the habitat of any animal that has the potential of chewing off my nose and genitals.

I’m honestly a little concerned that Chuck Heston is no longer around to protect us.

British, French nuclear subs collide in Atlantic
LONDON – Nuclear submarines from Britain and France collided deep in the Atlantic Ocean this month, authorities said Monday in the first acknowledgment of a highly unusual accident that one expert called the gravest in nearly a decade.  [read full article]

Some short thoughts on the article:

• WTF? The ocean is a really big place.  This would be like dropping Mary Kate Olsen off in Chicago and Ashley off in Mumbai blindfolded with no shoes and having them randomly bump into each other in Mogadishu (I am in favor of testing this experimentally). 
• The highest ranking naval officer in the British Navy’s formal title is First Sea Lord, Admiral Jonathon Band? That is the coolest title ever.  ”Why yes, I am the First Sea Lord.  Would you like to come over and see my etchings?“

Newspaper claims car thief transformed into a goat
LAGOS, Nigeria – One of Nigeria‘s biggest daily newspapers reported that police implicated a goat in an attempted automobile theft. In a front-page article on Friday, the Vanguard newspaper said that two men tried to steal a Mazda car two days earlier in Kwara State, with one suspect transforming himself into a goat as vigilantes cornered him.  [read more]

Topless coffee shop proposed for small Maine town
VASSALBORO, Maine – A one-time motel in a small central Maine town could soon be offering an eye-opening way to start the day — topless coffee shop waitresses.  Read more>>