It seems that Google suggestions is becoming a regular feature here on Please Wash Hands.  We’ve already covered some pretty fantastic ones here, here, here, and here.  Might as well keep the trend going.

Can we

• Can weed kill you – This is a surprisingly cogent query given that it is clearly being asked by folks that are way too high (I’m freakin’ out man!).
• Can weed go bad – This is generally the next thing they search for
• Can we live on mars – Yes. Now go sit down, you’re still high.

Can I – This one is fun because the first few suggestions tell a little story.  Thanks google!

• Can I have your number
• Can I tap that
• Can I get pregnant on my period
• Can I has cheeseburger

My hamster – Consider the sad tale of Mr. Hamster as told through Google suggestions.

• My hamster escaped
• My hamster is scared of me
• My hamster smells
• My hamster is sick
• My hamster has a tumor
• My hamster is dying
• My hamster died

So then

• So then I says to Mabel I says – Come on, don’t leave us hanging!!
• so then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him very carefully – I suspect that alcohol may have been involved.
• so then i said to the cop no you’re driving under the influence… of being a jerk – And that’s when he taser’d me
• so then i told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup – Great story, dude.  Now how about you get back there and finish emptying my septic tank?
• so then i was like avada kedavra and he was like dead – J.K. Rowling was just getting lazy with the last couple of books.

Why does

• why does asparagus make urine smell – It wants to make sure you feel like you got your money’s worth
• Why does ice float – Because it’s less dense than water
• Why does poop float – Because it’s make of magical colon ice
• Why does google have two l’s – Um, dude, look at the question you just asked.  I’ll wait.
• Why does my vag smell – Well, you have to take into account that vagabonds don’t generally have access to shower facilities when they ride the rails.  They may go weeks living out of their polka-dot handkerchief bindles in a single set of clothes. Oh wait, you meant vagina?  Yeah, you better have that thing looked at.

Let’s see what google has to say about itself.

Google loves

• Google loves you – Oh, that’s sweet
• Google loves me – That’s nice too
• Google loves video – That would explain the $1.6 billion they spent on youtube
• Google loves blogs – I’m sure they are all reading Please Wash Hands on a regular basis

Google hates

• Google hates you – You’re hot then you’re cold. We can’t go on like this!
• Google hates bambi – It’s a little know fact that Larry and Sergey shot Bambi’s mom
• Google hate mexicans – This makes sense when you think about it.  There’s an endless stream of PhD level search engineers flowing across the border willing to tune crawlers and search algorithms for less than minimum wage.  They’re going to steal all of our search and contextually targeted advertising jobs!

That’s it for this installment.  Be sure to send over any good suggestions you see.

Why can’t

• Why can’t I own a Canadian – A Canadian is a big responsibility.  Remember what happened with the goldfish? Your mother ended up having to change his water and when you kept overfeeding him he died.  I’m sorry, but I just don’t think you’re ready to take care of a Canadian yet.

Can a human

• Can a human get a dog pregnant – Oh my god!
• Can a human get pregnant from an animal – OH MY GOD!  The thing that is really troubling from these two is that I’m not sure if they’re worried about it or trying to create some sort of mutant “man-imal”.

Will he

• Will he call – It’s a search engine, not a freakin’ magic 8-ball
• will hemorrhoids go away on their own – Only if you pray hard enough.

Barack Obama is

• Barack Obama is the antichrist – Wrong
• Barack Obama is a muslim – Wrong
• Barack Obama is a communist – Wrong
• Barack Obama is satan – Maybe
• Barack Obama is your new bicycle – Correct!

Let’s start with a stumper that crops up when you type “Why Won’t”:

Why won’t my parakeet eat my diarrhea?  - Not only are people apparently attempting to get their parakeets to indulge in fudge consumption (it’s made around the corner from the lemonade), but this is common enough to be the primary suggestion for “Why won’t”.  Don’t you think Mr. Parakeet would prefer some seeds? LEAVE THE POOR BIRD ALONE, YOU MONSTERS!

Let’s spin the wheel again.

Why are

• Why are all the black kids sitting together in the cafeteria – Because they’re cooler than you are
• Why are my nipples sore – You need to find a better place to clip your JC Penny’s name tag

I like

• i like to tape my thumbs to my hands to see what it would be like to be a dinosaur – You realize that I am now scouring the office for tape
• i like to think of jesus as a mischievous badger – It makes sense if you think about it.  Look at John 14:28, “And He did look out from his badger hole and say unto them, ‘ I ate all of the sandwiches when you weren’t looking. Tee hee’” Amen.

Why will

• Why will the world end in 2012 – Because the Mayan people are still pretty upset about that whole Conquistador thing
• why will a magnet attract an ordinary nail or paper clip but not a wooden pencil – Well Billy, at high enough energy levels an electromagnet actually will be able to attract a pencil.  This has to do with the…you know what? Let’s just go ahead and have you repeat the fourth grade.

Why don’t

• Why don’t people like me – Because you keep trying to feed diarrhea to your parakeet.

I hope you all appreciate having some knowledge dropped on you.

Google Opt Out Feature Lets Users Protect Privacy By Moving To Remote Village

A couple of my favorites:

Oh baby, no body understands me like you do…
 

WTF? Where is the ocean?!?

Redneck + Armed = Run Away!

As best as I can tell, these are the most common searches that start with what you’ve entered so far.  Some of these are crazy.  Here’s some sets of what you type and the suggestions they give (notes are not provided by Google)

Where is

• Where is Dubai  - Geographically, politically, or metaphysically?
• Where is Chuck Norris  - Everywhere, and nowhere
• Where is Waldo  - Behind the mail box
• Where is the g spot  - In Dubai

Who was

• Who was the youngest president  - Most people don’t know this, but Taft was only eight and a half years old when he was sworn in
• Who was eliminated on dancing with the stars  - Sigh

When was

• When was Jesus born  - Christmas in the year zero obviously
• When was John McCain born  - See above

Why do

• Why do men have nipples  - They’re like hood ornaments (entirely decorative)
• Why do men cheat  - Not going to touch this one (Hi Honey!)
• Why do dogs eat poop  - That poop isn’t going to eat itself, mister
• Why do dogs eat grass  - See above

How to

• How to get pregnant  - Usually involves some combination of love, rum, carelessness, or insufficient latex tensile strength
• How to make money  - See above

I feel like we all learned a valuable lesson today.

1) Go google.com
2) Type in “Why is” but don’t hit the search button. This will generate a set of suggested searches based on popularity of searching on google. This is where things get crazy. The third most popular search term is “Why is my poop green”. Seriously. Here’s a screen shot.

3) So I had to check out what sort of magnificence waited behind the “why is my poop green” search.

4) PoopReport.com?!?! Your one stop source for stories of unbelievable poops and, something new to me, “poop terrorism”. Behold the glory of their logo.

Thank you google for broadening horizons.