Please Wash Hands

It seems that Google suggestions is becoming a regular feature here on Please Wash Hands.  We’ve already covered some pretty fantastic ones here, here, here, and here.  Might as well keep the trend going.

Can we

• Can weed kill you – This is a surprisingly cogent query given that it is clearly being asked by folks that are way too high (I’m freakin’ out man!).
• Can weed go bad – This is generally the next thing they search for
• Can we live on mars – Yes. Now go sit down, you’re still high.

Can I – This one is fun because the first few suggestions tell a little story.  Thanks google!

• Can I have your number
• Can I tap that
• Can I get pregnant on my period
• Can I has cheeseburger

My hamster – Consider the sad tale of Mr. Hamster as told through Google suggestions.

• My hamster escaped
• My hamster is scared of me
• My hamster smells
• My hamster is sick
• My hamster has a tumor
• My hamster is dying
• My hamster died

So then

• So then I says to Mabel I says – Come on, don’t leave us hanging!!
• so then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him very carefully – I suspect that alcohol may have been involved.
• so then i said to the cop no you’re driving under the influence… of being a jerk – And that’s when he taser’d me
• so then i told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup – Great story, dude.  Now how about you get back there and finish emptying my septic tank?
• so then i was like avada kedavra and he was like dead – J.K. Rowling was just getting lazy with the last couple of books.

Why does

• why does asparagus make urine smell – It wants to make sure you feel like you got your money’s worth
• Why does ice float – Because it’s less dense than water
• Why does poop float – Because it’s make of magical colon ice
• Why does google have two l’s – Um, dude, look at the question you just asked.  I’ll wait.
• Why does my vag smell – Well, you have to take into account that vagabonds don’t generally have access to shower facilities when they ride the rails.  They may go weeks living out of their polka-dot handkerchief bindles in a single set of clothes. Oh wait, you meant vagina?  Yeah, you better have that thing looked at.

Let’s see what google has to say about itself.

Google loves

• Google loves you – Oh, that’s sweet
• Google loves me – That’s nice too
• Google loves video – That would explain the $1.6 billion they spent on youtube
• Google loves blogs – I’m sure they are all reading Please Wash Hands on a regular basis

Google hates

• Google hates you – You’re hot then you’re cold. We can’t go on like this!
• Google hates bambi – It’s a little know fact that Larry and Sergey shot Bambi’s mom
• Google hate mexicans – This makes sense when you think about it.  There’s an endless stream of PhD level search engineers flowing across the border willing to tune crawlers and search algorithms for less than minimum wage.  They’re going to steal all of our search and contextually targeted advertising jobs!

That’s it for this installment.  Be sure to send over any good suggestions you see.

I’m quite fixated on the odd suggestions Google often makes as you type in your search.  They’re supposedly ordered by popularity of searches that begin with those terms and trend towards the odd/disturbing.  Here’s my previous collection of highlights.  The time has come for more.

Let’s start with a stumper that crops up when you type “Why Won’t”:

Why won’t my parakeet eat my diarrhea?  - Not only are people apparently attempting to get their parakeets to indulge in fudge consumption (it’s made around the corner from the lemonade), but this is common enough to be the primary suggestion for “Why won’t”.  Don’t you think Mr. Parakeet would prefer some seeds? LEAVE THE POOR BIRD ALONE, YOU MONSTERS!

Let’s spin the wheel again.

Why are

• Why are all the black kids sitting together in the cafeteria – Because they’re cooler than you are
• Why are my nipples sore – You need to find a better place to clip your JC Penny’s name tag

I like

• i like to tape my thumbs to my hands to see what it would be like to be a dinosaur – You realize that I am now scouring the office for tape
• i like to think of jesus as a mischievous badger – It makes sense if you think about it.  Look at John 14:28, “And He did look out from his badger hole and say unto them, ‘ I ate all of the sandwiches when you weren’t looking. Tee hee’” Amen.

Why will

• Why will the world end in 2012 – Because the Mayan people are still pretty upset about that whole Conquistador thing
• why will a magnet attract an ordinary nail or paper clip but not a wooden pencil – Well Billy, at high enough energy levels an electromagnet actually will be able to attract a pencil.  This has to do with the…you know what? Let’s just go ahead and have you repeat the fourth grade.

Why don’t

• Why don’t people like me – Because you keep trying to feed diarrhea to your parakeet.

I hope you all appreciate having some knowledge dropped on you.