Please Wash Hands

I love weird signs.  Oddly Specific may love them even more than I do.  I bow to their superior sign collection.

There is a magical time of year when mall managers across our great nation head out into the streets to scour our homeless population for appropriately bushy white beards in, what has come to be known as, the “Great Mall Santa Round-up”.  Sketchy Santas is the chronicle of our national obsession with putting terrified children on some stranger’s lap.  This site is just fantastic.

There are a number of things that scare me about this video:

• Colby the computer should not be operating an unlicensed daycare.  Did anyone even bother to check if he’s on any sort of registry?
• These kids all grew up to form the core of the Republican National Committee and Fox News.
• Suspenders

I could be wrong, but I think this isn’t the original editing.  Enjoy!

Um…well…there you go.  That is really something.

What can I say about this?  How can I capture the societal disconnect that this video embodies?  Let me tell you a story.  Early on in my college tenure, I lived in a suite in the dorms.  One day I came home and my neighbors had put up a sign on their door: V-Town.  They rolled out, a couple of wealthy religious white kids dressed up as they imagined homies would, and explained in their best gangster lingo, “Yeah boy, we’re V-Town up in this hizzy.  That’s virgin town. We’ze hardcore keepin’ it pure for Jesus. Hell yeah!”

That made me sad.  This is worse. What they seem to be advocating is that standard hugs bring the naughty swimsuit regions too close together.  A side hug is the only way to safely express affection.  This makes sense if you are familiar with your scriptures.  I refer you to Marmosets 14:12, “And Jesus did embrace all those in the temple, but in sort of an awkward way from they side lest they become unclean through unacceptable proximity of their junk.” Amen.

And if you’re going to promote something entirely fabricated and pedantic, white people rapping is usually the correct mode of expression.  I especially like the chorus:

I’m a rough rider
Filled up with Christ’s love
Gimme that Christian side hug
That Christian side hug

Let’s all watch this thing, shall we?  Remember kids, leave room for the holy spirit!

It’s hard to work retail. No one appreciates the valiant efforts of the nation’s retail workers on the floor or in the stock room. I, for one, salute their dedication. I also like when security footage surfaces with their catastrophic failures. Enjoy!

Forklifts are hard to drive

Sprinkler systems are the natural enemy of forklifts.

You should never attempt to take a shopping cart down an escalator.

Bottles are tricky to move

Social networks are amazing. They can magnify a simple social faux pas to dramatic proportions.  Lamebook.com is doing it’s best to help exacerbate the issue.  Well done, fellas.

I like when two people fall in love. I like it even better when they take engagement photos that are terrible.  Here’s a site dedicated to exactly that.  Here’s a sample:

They must be virgins, to not see how inappropriate this is.

Allow me to introduce you to the Dartz Kombat T98.   RussoBaltiques have been the car of choice for generations of Russian despots (the Tzars, Lenin, Stalin).  In the proud tradition of the exploitative Soviet monarchy/socialist state/capitalist oligarchy, those of you with $1.4 million lying around can get a car with some pretty fancy upgrades generally unavailable to the whimpering proletariat you keep beneath your iron boot heel.

1. Ruby Red matte paint
2. Gold-plated bulletproof windows
3. 22″ Kremlin Red Star bulletproof wheels
4. Whale Penis Leather interior
5. Tungsten exhaust
6. Tungsten and white gold gauges with diamonds and rubies
7. White gold diamond and ruby encrusted badges – grill, side and dashboard
8. Special edition Vertu mobile phone with “alert” button
9. Additional outside kevlar coating
10. Rogue Acoustic Audio System.

And, of course, of course -
THREE BOTTLES OF World Most Expensive Vodka – RussoBaltique Vodka, drink edition, same as in the RussoBaltique car when it visited Monaco at 1912.

Let’s all spend a moment on number 4. I think whaling for meat is despicable.  Whaling for luxurious whale penis leather, now that’s something that I hadn’t really considered before. A few key questions come to mind:

• Are they killing the whales for this leather, or is there some sort of undersea mohel involved?
• Who pushed the whale penis leather concept forward? Was it a whaler who thought to himself, “Wow, we’ve got a lot or whale penis on board. I wonder if it would be nice on bucket seats?” Or was it a car interior designer attempting avenge himself for that one long night at Sea World?
• How many whales are required?  I’m not even sure how to begin estimating the leather yield from one whale penis. It could be 4 square inches. They could be dragging 47 feet of whale foreskin through the ocean depths.
• How luxurious is it?  If we’re going to further deplete the whale supply for this, it better be pretty freakin nice.

So there you go.  Russia has once again shown us the way to a much more ridiculous future.

I just want to clarify something right out the gate.  If MS Paint is your primary graphics program, you are not a designer.  For the love of God, please stop pretending you are.  Your Logo Makes Me Barf is your one stop shop for failed logo design.  Behold the awesomeness.

Would it have been too much to ask that the kid be off to one side?

I’m a little confused by some of the imagery here.  Condor, turtle, a big N, I’m willing to accept all those, but why is the turtle farting a music note?  The best part is that this is the logo of a design firm.