Please Wash Hands

Flags are a reflection of the heart of a people.  They are the physical manifestation of their pride and aspirations, the essence of their national character made real.  They whisper the histories of nations as they flutter in the breeze.  Mozambique’s flag whispers, “I am going to shoot you with an AK-47.  Then I might stab you with the bayonet.”

Four were critically injured in his later attempt to commit seppuku.

Other people’s misery is often just the ticket to feel better about yourself.  If FMyLife.com doesn’t do it for you, you should absolutely be contributing to it to help the rest of us out.  Some samples to brighten your day:

• Today, the girl I love and I went to visit my parents out of state for the first time. My father grinned and acknowledged that she was a “keeper”, at which she laughed and said we were “just friends”. I was going to propose to her next week. FML
• Today, I was tutoring kids at an elementary school. One kid messed up my hair. I said, “Why’d you do that??” He said, “I have lice, now you have lice too!” FML
• Today, I saw a elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. At that point I noticed my phone had fallen out of my pocket in the street and was run over by several cars. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. FML

I am always excited about monkeys (tell me you didn’t love Project X).  Monkey escape stories are usually comic gold.  This article, however, is just frightening.

Woman’s life in danger after chimp attack  [full story]

Allow me to pull some of the more disturbing quotes for your perusal.

• “Travis (the monkey)… used a key to escape.”  - Holy crap! They’re learning to use tools.  Damn you and your opposable monkey thumbs.
• “She then called 911 before stabbing the chimp with butcher knife and hitting him with a shovel.” – Crazy lady, butcher knives and shovels are only going to make him angry!
• “police later shot the chimp multiple times after he attacked an officer inside a police cruiser” – He used a coat hanger to get in.
• “Travis returned to the house, where police later found him dead” – This is after being stabbed, shovel pummeled, and shot several times.  He’s the chimp version of 50 Cent.
• “In 2005, a different chimp escaped from California’s Animal Haven Ranch and chewed off a man’s nose and genitals.” – That’s it. I am officially in favor of clear cutting the habitat of any animal that has the potential of chewing off my nose and genitals.

I’m honestly a little concerned that Chuck Heston is no longer around to protect us.

Here’s a helpful tip for all of you out there.   If you start a TV station in New York dedicated to eliminating the negative stereotypes about Muslims, you should try to avoid cutting your wife’s head off.  That’s one to grow on.

Founder of Islamic TV station accused of beheading wife
NEW YORK (CNN) – The founder of an upstate New York TV station aimed at countering Muslim stereotypes has been arrested on suspicion of killing his wife, who was beheaded, authorities said.  [full story]

I think this may be my new favorite site. It showcases the best in fried/bacon infused/heart attack inducing food

http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/

I really want to try most of these is the sad thing

here are a few choice examples, click on any pic to go to the site

The Double Bacon Hamburger Fatty Melt

Three bacon-stuffed grilled cheese sandwichs for buns, cheese, bacon and two four-ounce beefs patties.

I don’t know what this kid was thinking, but he seems like a nincompoop

Crazy Kid Leaps Down Staircase – Watch more Free Videos

as balls here in california, so here are some videos of hosts getting hurt on home shopping networks

When I walked past this poster in Vegas this week I did a double take.  You have to appreciate puns when they involve gross disfiguration.

This little tidbit turned up in the news today.  This sounds like third degree burns just waiting to happen.

Topless coffee shop proposed for small Maine town
VASSALBORO, Maine – A one-time motel in a small central Maine town could soon be offering an eye-opening way to start the day — topless coffee shop waitresses.  Read more>>