I am always excited about monkeys (tell me you didn’t love Project X). Monkey escape stories are usually comic gold. This article, however, is just frightening.
Allow me to pull some of the more disturbing quotes for your perusal.
- “Travis (the monkey)… used a key to escape.” - Holy crap! They’re learning to use tools. Damn you and your opposable monkey thumbs.
- “She then called 911 before stabbing the chimp with butcher knife and hitting him with a shovel.” – Crazy lady, butcher knives and shovels are only going to make him angry!
- “police later shot the chimp multiple times after he attacked an officer inside a police cruiser” – He used a coat hanger to get in.
- “Travis returned to the house, where police later found him dead” – This is after being stabbed, shovel pummeled, and shot several times. He’s the chimp version of 50 Cent.
- “In 2005, a different chimp escaped from California’s Animal Haven Ranch and chewed off a man’s nose and genitals.” – That’s it. I am officially in favor of clear cutting the habitat of any animal that has the potential of chewing off my nose and genitals.
I’m honestly a little concerned that Chuck Heston is no longer around to protect us.
