Please Wash Hands

I love weird signs.  Oddly Specific may love them even more than I do.  I bow to their superior sign collection.

There is a magical time of year when mall managers across our great nation head out into the streets to scour our homeless population for appropriately bushy white beards in, what has come to be known as, the “Great Mall Santa Round-up”.  Sketchy Santas is the chronicle of our national obsession with putting terrified children on some stranger’s lap.  This site is just fantastic.

I’m a big Cirque du Soleil fan.  They make Ringling Brothers look like a 5th grade talent show.  Check out their trampoline ninja.  If it’s this amazing in practice, the actual performance has got to be insane.

Here are some trampoline failures just to put the whole thing into perspective.

I’m so happy right now.  I just discovered AutocompleMe.com.  They’ve taken my love of Google search suggestions and turned it into a dedicated site.  They are wonderful people.  Go, right this minute, and check them out.

The naming methods for streets and roads is actually more interesting than you’d think (I’ve been thinking a lot about the patterns of this lately for some reason). Check out this really excellent Wikipedia article for all the gory details.

It’s also worth watching this video to learn a little about the Japanese addressing system.  I realize this isn’t a funny post, but I though it was kind of neat.

It seems that Google suggestions is becoming a regular feature here on Please Wash Hands.  We’ve already covered some pretty fantastic ones here, here, here, and here.  Might as well keep the trend going.

Can we

• Can weed kill you – This is a surprisingly cogent query given that it is clearly being asked by folks that are way too high (I’m freakin’ out man!).
• Can weed go bad – This is generally the next thing they search for
• Can we live on mars – Yes. Now go sit down, you’re still high.

Can I – This one is fun because the first few suggestions tell a little story.  Thanks google!

• Can I have your number
• Can I tap that
• Can I get pregnant on my period
• Can I has cheeseburger

My hamster – Consider the sad tale of Mr. Hamster as told through Google suggestions.

• My hamster escaped
• My hamster is scared of me
• My hamster smells
• My hamster is sick
• My hamster has a tumor
• My hamster is dying
• My hamster died

So then

• So then I says to Mabel I says – Come on, don’t leave us hanging!!
• so then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him very carefully – I suspect that alcohol may have been involved.
• so then i said to the cop no you’re driving under the influence… of being a jerk – And that’s when he taser’d me
• so then i told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup – Great story, dude.  Now how about you get back there and finish emptying my septic tank?
• so then i was like avada kedavra and he was like dead – J.K. Rowling was just getting lazy with the last couple of books.

Why does

• why does asparagus make urine smell – It wants to make sure you feel like you got your money’s worth
• Why does ice float – Because it’s less dense than water
• Why does poop float – Because it’s make of magical colon ice
• Why does google have two l’s – Um, dude, look at the question you just asked.  I’ll wait.
• Why does my vag smell – Well, you have to take into account that vagabonds don’t generally have access to shower facilities when they ride the rails.  They may go weeks living out of their polka-dot handkerchief bindles in a single set of clothes. Oh wait, you meant vagina?  Yeah, you better have that thing looked at.

Let’s see what google has to say about itself.

Google loves

• Google loves you – Oh, that’s sweet
• Google loves me – That’s nice too
• Google loves video – That would explain the $1.6 billion they spent on youtube
• Google loves blogs – I’m sure they are all reading Please Wash Hands on a regular basis

Google hates

• Google hates you – You’re hot then you’re cold. We can’t go on like this!
• Google hates bambi – It’s a little know fact that Larry and Sergey shot Bambi’s mom
• Google hate mexicans – This makes sense when you think about it.  There’s an endless stream of PhD level search engineers flowing across the border willing to tune crawlers and search algorithms for less than minimum wage.  They’re going to steal all of our search and contextually targeted advertising jobs!

That’s it for this installment.  Be sure to send over any good suggestions you see.

There are a number of things that scare me about this video:

• Colby the computer should not be operating an unlicensed daycare.  Did anyone even bother to check if he’s on any sort of registry?
• These kids all grew up to form the core of the Republican National Committee and Fox News.
• Suspenders

I could be wrong, but I think this isn’t the original editing.  Enjoy!

Good morning!  It’s finally Friday at the end of a very long week, and I can hear what you’re all thinking out there, “Hey Steve, do you have any sort of video featuring a monkey riding a goat on a tightrope?”  You bet I do!  Tah dah!

Um…well…there you go.  That is really something.

What can I say about this?  How can I capture the societal disconnect that this video embodies?  Let me tell you a story.  Early on in my college tenure, I lived in a suite in the dorms.  One day I came home and my neighbors had put up a sign on their door: V-Town.  They rolled out, a couple of wealthy religious white kids dressed up as they imagined homies would, and explained in their best gangster lingo, “Yeah boy, we’re V-Town up in this hizzy.  That’s virgin town. We’ze hardcore keepin’ it pure for Jesus. Hell yeah!”

That made me sad.  This is worse. What they seem to be advocating is that standard hugs bring the naughty swimsuit regions too close together.  A side hug is the only way to safely express affection.  This makes sense if you are familiar with your scriptures.  I refer you to Marmosets 14:12, “And Jesus did embrace all those in the temple, but in sort of an awkward way from they side lest they become unclean through unacceptable proximity of their junk.” Amen.

And if you’re going to promote something entirely fabricated and pedantic, white people rapping is usually the correct mode of expression.  I especially like the chorus:

I’m a rough rider
Filled up with Christ’s love
Gimme that Christian side hug
That Christian side hug

Let’s all watch this thing, shall we?  Remember kids, leave room for the holy spirit!